Saturday, August 11, 2012
Surely, it is the prayers
Well, I'm all black and blue....from pinching myself. I cannot believe we are being discharged today. As I look at my daughter who is walking around caring for her "baby" and is happy as can be, I am still shaking from the memory of the child I carried in here just a short 4 days ago. A child who was in severe pain and incapacitated by the cancer in her leg bones, pelvic bones, shoulder, bone marrow, spine..... I suppose we could give credit to all the meds; ones that reduce inflammation, ones that relieve pain, and chemo and radiation that attempt to beat the cancer back....but surely, it really must be the prayers. As I attempt to wrap my head around the events, I still cannot make sense of the what or the how. How did we go from a "mixed bag" of results to "extensive" involvement? Apparently, part of it was due to the type of scans done. Following normal protocol she had her MIBG Scan, CT scan and bone marrow biopsy. An MRI of the spine was not part of the normal regimen. I find that a little surprising given the known progression of this type of cancer and doctors repeated suspicions after the brain activity last year that spine would be the next place Neuroblastoma would show its ugly head. I wonder had we been doing a MRI of the spine regularly if we would have known sooner and been able to treat accordingly. I most certainly will be asking the doctors about that. Not much we can do about the past except to learn from it and move forward. While Lisa looks and feels much better, the knowledge that her body is riddled with more cancer than ever before is heart-wrenching and terrifying. The "what-if" and "when" circle my brain. I am not ready to let go...but are we ever??? I say that and then start to wonder why us? Not "why us, cancer?" but "why us, blessed with more days?" Knowing all the other warriors who have fought and prayed but lost the battle makes me wonder why us? Why have we been blessed with more time and how do continue to be the recipients of those blessings? I know the other families have faith and believe just as we and all our readers do...so why are those children now gone? I by no means want to question our blessings but do find I'm holding my breath wondering how long I have my daughter? Honestly I never want to be at the point where things are so bad and painful that I'm ready to let her go. I want her to grow up, go to college, get a job, get married and have a real baby that she can walk around caring for. This battle with Neuroblastoma is on-going but I will take that rather than it being over, because over most likely means cancer is the winner and I'm not ready to accept defeat. So, as faith teaches us, I will curb my questions and wondering why and accept God's Graces and believe that he will continue to bless us. Please continue to pray because even though Lisa looks so good, her little body is fighting a major war with an opponent who is not likely to surrender and the only way we are going to win this war is if God chooses to make us the victors. Live life fully...don't stop believing...keep on praying.