Tuesday, May 19, 2015

May 19, 5/19, MAY 19

May 19--- I wonder if this date will ever pass without tears.  It has been two whole years without Lisa and time has not healed all wounds.  I still feel a hole in my heart that only Lisa filled.  Five years of fighting cancer still seems easier than two years of no Lisa.

I have not really posted anything in the past two years because I have retreated behind my "wall".  This wall protects me and allows me to function.  When I get the courage to peek around the wall I quickly retreat.  The emotion is overwhelming.  I'm afraid if that wall comes down even a bit I will lose my mind because  everything I know, believed, learned was built on foundation that was shaken greatly when Lisa left us.

Depending on my mood and mindset, there are moments when I can take a brick out of the wall and find the positive from this loss.  Thoughts like "we were so lucky to have Lisa at all.", "Cancer provided us the opportunity  to do/see ......" "It was a good thing that she passed away at home.", "Thankfully, we were able to control her pain."   These moments are short-lived and almost always end up in a rage of anger because she should have NEVER gotten cancer.  No one should, especially no child.  This generally turns into a rant against God that quickly turns into an internal debate as I question my whole belief system and try to figure out what is real.  And the turmoil ends when I shove the brick back in place, wipe my tears and realize it will never make sense and I have to find a way to keep going.

And, so far, I do keep going, but often it is just pushing through and keeping busy as oppossed to really living and enjoying life. I try to remember that cancer taught us to live in the moment but struggle with balancing "living in the moment" vs just "getting through the moment".  

With Maranda graduating this year, Thomas getting his first job, Christina turning "Sweet 16" soon there is a lot to celebrate and be joyous about in the big and small moments. And, I will be joyous and happy and full of love.  I will use all my energy to embrace these great moments,  keep my priorities in line, and not leave happiness behind.  But, sadly, there will still be a hole in my heart that can only be filled by Lisa.

So, as I end this post I provide you all with a link to a song that has been playing thru my head for the past two weeks...Hole Hearted.