Do I tell you that even before we dialed the number, we knew the news would be bad but still hoped differently? It was Saturday and the doc left a message to "call", if it was good news she would have left that on the message, not just a return phone number.
Do I tell you that we sent the kids in the other room as we put the doc on speaker phone and of course while the older ones did as they were told, Lisa bounced happily around us oblivious (or so it seemed to everything)
Do I tell you that Friday night, Lisa told me her doctor left a message and had bad news for us ( we didn't retrieve the message until Saturday night and the doctor didn't say anything good or bad on the message...just to call)
Do I tell you that tears just streamed down my face uncontrollably during the call? Do I tell you that I had to go hide in the shower for the next hour until the kids went to bed? Do I tell you that Mike and I looked at each other in shock and disbelief at 9:30 pm and realized we had no idea what to do with ourselves?
Do I tell you that I started asking myself if things really mattered...what difference does it make? Does it matter if Lisa stays up late, does it matter that she hasn't learned how to tie shoes or zipper yet, does it matter that she still wears a pull-up to bed, does it matter that she can't recognize all her ABC's?
Do I tell you that I finally just went to bed numb? Do I tell you that Lisa woke me at 5:00 to sleep in bed with us and I left her there with Mike because the tears were coming and I didn't want to upset her?
I do not know what to tell you. My mind is a whirlwind. Somewhere deep down I really thought she was going to beat this. I thought she would be the one. She looks so good and is so happy. I cannot belief that she is going to have to go thru everything again. She will be bald again and sick and skinny and not eating and in the hospital and.......
I guess I should tell you what the doctor said. The tests are "concerning". On the three different sets of scans, there were three different areas that showed possible activity. Any one by itself, not so concerning, but that each test identified a different area causes concern. There was areas at the tops of both her legs, two small areas in her brain, and an area near her neck and arm. All spots are small, but most likely indications that Lisa's remission is over. The doctor will be scheduling a biopsy to be done AFTER we return from Disney trip.
I am......I don't even know...
Is God trying to teaching me something and I just keep missing the lesson so I keep having to "learn" some more....I just don't know what he wants me to learn and can't fathom why Lisa has to be the tool he uses.
I can't think "forward" more than a millisecond because I just start crying. Honestly, any thought I have just crushes me....I am paralyzed with sadness and fear...I do not want to go thru this again...the thought "I can't do it" races thru my head even though I know I have no choice...