19 Years Old!!

Today Lisa would have been 19 years old. So many thoughts in my head.  I think of the day we received the call that she was born.  The ensuing calls regarding placement in our home with her siblings, Tommy and Chrissy. I grin thinking about how the laughs and energy of a 5,6, and 7 year old along with a chunky baby made our house alive  (Umm, and yes, Lisa was chunky!  So much that we put her in a stockpot once and snapped a picture of our very own butterball turkey).  I think of how blessed we were to enjoy these children and watch them grow and, after three years, become a forever family.

I think about our first "McMaster Kids" family trip to Disney to celebrate the adoption and not allowing myself to worry about some preliminary tests done on Lisa for what I thought was going to be childhood arthritis or a problem with her leg muscle. I remember being back at work and getting the call from Ortho doc that she needed to be admitted to the ER immediately because docs were certain she had cancer; either leukemia or neuroblastoma.  I remember frantically trying to get in contact with Mike who was with Lisa at the lakehouse as I quickly googled both words because neither sounded good.  I prayed it was leukemia because that was more curable.

As I write this, I make a conscious effort to block the thoughts about the tests, trials, and treatments as they sadden me.  I force myself to remember the good and the happy.  Like, how ecstatic I was that Lisa was able to start kindergarten with all the other kids.  And then she was able to start a second year of kindergarten, then first grade, and part of second grade.  Not nearly enough for all who knew her but it's what we got.  I think about her voice, her giggle, her one-liners that could put you in your place, her ability to get grown men and doctors to do anything she asked. I think of her sticking her stuffed animals in the toilet for Mike to find in the early morning. I think of the baby dolls….all the babies!  I think of all the photos and videos we found that she was making when no one was watching.  I smile at the memory of her putting on make-up before school for a “boyfriend”. I cringe at hearing her say “Hate Michigan, Love State”.

I think of her sitting outside on a day very much like today just enjoying the sun on her face.  As I type butterflies and hummingbirds fly by and I know she is here in spirit.  As I try to stay focused on the beauty and good memories, the tears start.  I miss her and am sad that I will never really know 19-year-old Lisa. I'm conflicted because I know that being sad is not what Lisa would want.  She would want us giggling and smiling.  I'm also emotional because we had a man drown in the lake two days ago. I can imagine the pain the family is in and still hear their cries for help.  As I gaze at the lake and feel the breeze, I wipe the tears from my eyes and reflect.  Losing a loved one is awful, no matter the age or the circumstance.  And, NOTHING we can do will bring them back. But, our thoughts and actions can help to make sure they did not die in vain.  I can't and won't deny my feelings of sadness, tears, or anger because they are justified and help me work through the "what could have/should have been." When the tears have dried, I refocus and search my memories for the good and happy times and look for ways to live life.  Lisa dying "too" young and watching a man disappear in the blink of an eye under the water reinforce what so many of us know..don't take anything for granted.  Today is a good day.  At the moment, I'm alive, healthy, and able-bodied. I will embrace that, count my blessings, and celebrate life. 

While Lisa is no longer with us in bodily form 😢, she is here in spirit and very much in my mind.  As a 19-year-old, I imagine her birthday wish would be to "hang" with her friend.  So, that's what I will do!  Jalissa and family--I'm looking forward to our celebration tonight. Thank you for agreeing to be part of it!

Love You Lisa!