Live LIFE

Wow...so what is worse? 

Having to stand by your cancer warrior's bedside and see her laying still, eyes closed, pain meds pumping, body ravaged with scars and bruising while doctors, nurses, priests all check in on her (and you) to try and figure out exactly where she is on the "timeline of her life".

Or, having to sit in a room with your husband and then your teens and talk about when, not if, the final chapter of life plays out should it be in your home, the hospital or hospice?  I suppose it should make me feel better that the palliative care docs start out by telling us that years ago many children died young from cancers and heart disease because we didn't have the meds, technology, drugs, etc. to keep them alive.  I suppose I should take comfort in knowing that among us walk adults who somehow survived the death of a sibling way back when. I suppose it should make me feel better that the the team tells me I have wonderful, loving, caring teens and we are a great family.  I suppose I should take comfort that all this is preparing us for the inevitable, but honestly this is not a conversation I think anyone should ever have to be part of least of all my teenagers.

So, where am I at? How am I doing?  As I tell our medical team, I'm still toeing the line.  I'm still not sure which way this is going to play out.  I know we've been here before and some of those times it has been much worse.   I find myself "hoping" instead of "BELIEVING".

As my brain shifts and filters and processes I find myself asking why I hope instead of BELIEVE?  I guess there is some part of me that is doubting Lisa can walk out of there because of the 3 strikes your out mentality. Honestly, how many times can you expect to cheat death and outlive science?  How many times do you rally only to end up back in this same spot facing the same discussions and decisions?  How much pain can one little body endure?  How much do you push to get her up and moving if inevitably she is going to die of this blasted neuroblastoma?

And there it is...inevitably....the word that right now sparks a little fire in my brain.  It is inevitable that we will all die.  So, should we just off ourselves now because sooner or later we are going to die and might as well take the short road?  Of course not.  We live.  We wake up every morning and face our day, good or bad, and seek to LIVE life. We live by feeling, doing, and being with others and making our mark on the world.  If that living can only be done in small increments every day, do you still fight for those moments?  If those moments are pain free, filled with smiles, giggles, laughs and feeding your babydoll, yes, you fight.  Do you BELIEVE?  You do and you make every moment count.