Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not

Happy Birthday Lisa!  Today, August 31, 2024, we had our annual Labor Day party and celebrated your 20th birthday. Family and friends gathered to float in the lake, eat lots of food, watch Michigan football and just enjoy life and each other.  

All week the song Memory by Maroon 5 has been drifting in and out of my head. We played that song when we brought out the cake.  I couldn't think of a better way to sum up today:

"Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you"

Tears were shed as we listened to the song, Butttt, the tears brought back memories and the memories brought back you. You were with us in our minds and in spirit as we remembered you and your impact on our lives and hearts.  

I was touched and delighted that your childhood friend Jalissa came to the party.  She knew few people, but came and stood by my side for a few hours to be here and be my buddy because you can't be.  You live on in Jalissa and all our friends and family and I'm so thankful for that.  I miss you so much, and appreciate all these people that helped you fight cancer and now help to keep you alive in our hearts.

We miss and love you Lisa! 

Ladies with tattos in Lisa's honor:)

11 Years Ago 😥

Eleven years ago on 5/19/13 Lisa left us. As I do every year, I spent this day honoring her and her too-short life. Today was spent just being—sitting on the deck looking at the lake, going on a bike ride, having dinner with family, and enjoying a boat ride with ice cream for dessert.

As the day unwound, I found myself conflicted as I thought about how every day is a gift, and we should not take it for granted; how we should embrace life and live each day fully.

I realized that I often feel that living life fully means I need to be doing something that adds value to the world.  I  measure a day’s worth by how much I accomplish that day. On days when I do "nothing," I'm consumed with guilt, feeling like I've wasted a precious day that Lisa never got. I struggle to recognize that there is value in simply being present and enjoying the moment. It's okay to do "nothing" because rest and reflection are as important as action.

Lisa was spectacular at balancing her love for "doing" with "being." She seemed to understand that both are meaningful and that living fully isn't about what you do but about being in the moment and knowing that’s exactly where you should be.

This child was wise beyond her years. I'm still learning from her as I try to find balance between action and stillness.  I need to value each day based on my presence in it, not by what I  accomplish.

Love You Lisa. Miss You Lisa.

19 Years Old!!

Today Lisa would have been 19 years old. So many thoughts in my head.  I think of the day we received the call that she was born.  The ensuing calls regarding placement in our home with her siblings, Tommy and Chrissy. I grin thinking about how the laughs and energy of a 5,6, and 7 year old along with a chunky baby made our house alive  (Umm, and yes, Lisa was chunky!  So much that we put her in a stockpot once and snapped a picture of our very own butterball turkey).  I think of how blessed we were to enjoy these children and watch them grow and, after three years, become a forever family.

I think about our first "McMaster Kids" family trip to Disney to celebrate the adoption and not allowing myself to worry about some preliminary tests done on Lisa for what I thought was going to be childhood arthritis or a problem with her leg muscle. I remember being back at work and getting the call from Ortho doc that she needed to be admitted to the ER immediately because docs were certain she had cancer; either leukemia or neuroblastoma.  I remember frantically trying to get in contact with Mike who was with Lisa at the lakehouse as I quickly googled both words because neither sounded good.  I prayed it was leukemia because that was more curable.

As I write this, I make a conscious effort to block the thoughts about the tests, trials, and treatments as they sadden me.  I force myself to remember the good and the happy.  Like, how ecstatic I was that Lisa was able to start kindergarten with all the other kids.  And then she was able to start a second year of kindergarten, then first grade, and part of second grade.  Not nearly enough for all who knew her but it's what we got.  I think about her voice, her giggle, her one-liners that could put you in your place, her ability to get grown men and doctors to do anything she asked. I think of her sticking her stuffed animals in the toilet for Mike to find in the early morning. I think of the baby dolls….all the babies!  I think of all the photos and videos we found that she was making when no one was watching.  I smile at the memory of her putting on make-up before school for a “boyfriend”. I cringe at hearing her say “Hate Michigan, Love State”.

I think of her sitting outside on a day very much like today just enjoying the sun on her face.  As I type butterflies and hummingbirds fly by and I know she is here in spirit.  As I try to stay focused on the beauty and good memories, the tears start.  I miss her and am sad that I will never really know 19-year-old Lisa. I'm conflicted because I know that being sad is not what Lisa would want.  She would want us giggling and smiling.  I'm also emotional because we had a man drown in the lake two days ago. I can imagine the pain the family is in and still hear their cries for help.  As I gaze at the lake and feel the breeze, I wipe the tears from my eyes and reflect.  Losing a loved one is awful, no matter the age or the circumstance.  And, NOTHING we can do will bring them back. But, our thoughts and actions can help to make sure they did not die in vain.  I can't and won't deny my feelings of sadness, tears, or anger because they are justified and help me work through the "what could have/should have been." When the tears have dried, I refocus and search my memories for the good and happy times and look for ways to live life.  Lisa dying "too" young and watching a man disappear in the blink of an eye under the water reinforce what so many of us know..don't take anything for granted.  Today is a good day.  At the moment, I'm alive, healthy, and able-bodied. I will embrace that, count my blessings, and celebrate life. 

While Lisa is no longer with us in bodily form 😢, she is here in spirit and very much in my mind.  As a 19-year-old, I imagine her birthday wish would be to "hang" with her friend.  So, that's what I will do!  Jalissa and family--I'm looking forward to our celebration tonight. Thank you for agreeing to be part of it!

Love You Lisa!

10 Years

5/19/23: Celebrating Love You Lisa tonight. It’s been 10 years since she’s left us. We all do what we need to do to move on and move forward. It’s hard to imagine who or what Lisa would have been like now but that never stops us from thinking of her.

In her honor we decided to go to Grand Rapids to have dinner and see the Lantern Festival at the John Ball Zoo. Did an internet search for restaurants and decided on thesocialmisfits.com as soon as I read their website ! “We believe in nonconformity and the independent spirit…… and we believe in you right to eat waffles whenever you feel like it.” Lisa was an independent spirit and would have had no issue with waffles for dinner!

The Latern Festival was beautiful. One of the first displays was the Chinese zodiac. Lisa’s sign is The Monkey. The description read “The Monkey is very good at being happy under any circumstances, due to its playfulness and resourcefulness.” For everything she went thru Lisa did a pretty good job at living in the moment and being happy.

As we move forward with another day, I hold tight to my memories and can’t help but wish Lisa was still here with us.

I thank Lisa’s classmate, Jalissa, and her mom, for tracking us down. Jalissa knew today was Lisas anniversary of passing and danced tonight in a competition in honor of Lisa. It means so much to us that others remember and honor Lisa and help to keep her with us in spirit.

Love you Lisa!

More pics can be found on LoveYouLisa FB page.

Happy 18th Birthday!

 

Happy 18th Birthday Lisa!  Your life here with us was much too short.  I miss you dearly and wonder what you would have been like today. How would you have wanted to celebrate your birthday? You would have been starting your senior year in highschool so there is a good chance you would have been "hanging" with her friends for most of the day.   You used to love to just "go" places and explore. So, to celebrate you, I went with Aunt Sam to Matthaei Botanical Gardens.  It was beautiful with lots of flower and butterflies. For dinner, Dad and I went out to eat in your honor and enjoyed a steak dinner with a hot fudge cream puff for dessert.  Love You Lisa!

9 Years Ago

Nine years ago Lisa earned her wings.  Since that day, my work calendar is perpetually blocked  on 5/19 with an item that says "Linda Off/ALWAYS (Lisa Dday).  It's more a reminder for me than for anyone else.  It's a reminder to remember Lisa and what she and cancer taught us.  Things like: life is too short to waste, live in the moment, the work will always be there, enjoy the ride, balance the good with the bad, the busy with the idle. 

Yet, even with those lessons, as each year passes I wonder, is it silly to take this day off?  Am I going to do this forever?  Should I still do this?  And then I see posts and receive messages that people are thinking of her and that reinforces my commitment to honoring her on this day. Because life should be about celebrating and living and enjoying.

So, today,  like the past few years, I did not plan anything specific to do. I let the day unfold and focused on slowing down, listening, and being open to "going" where Lisa leads me.  By noon I was getting a little panicky because I hadn't gotten much further than the kitchen table.  As I was looking at one of Lisa's pictures I decided I might need to get some help on the "going" and asked Alexa what was something fun to do today.  The answer "Paint rocks or cook your favorite meal".  Okkkkkkk.  That answer actually sounded like something Lisa would say.  I opted to put that on the back burner and go for a drive and check out a few garden centers.  I like gardening and needed some plants, Lisa liked to just "go" so seemed like a good compromise for the day.  The first garden center I stopped at was small and just off the side of the road.  The owner came from around the back to greet me and show me the plants.  Some cute potted arrangements and cool painted signs but I was really looking for some starter perennials and there were very few of those.  I figured I'd look take a quick look and be on the go in less than 10 minutes.  I was done in less than 5 minutes. I decided to go around again and made a conscious effort to slow down and look and enjoy.

 This time the metal flower hanging on the wall caught my eye.  Lisa would love that.  I then noticed the Lake Living signs, hand-painted fence, baskets getting a second life with stencil-work. The more I looked the more things I noticed that I'd missed the first time thru....there was some really cute stuff.  I decided to get the metal flower.  As the owner approached me the second time, I noticed she had a small paint brush in her hand.  We started chatting about the business and the yard art. As we continued talking I shared that I was just meandering around in honor of my daughter and then....it hit me....she had a paint brush in her hand!  I told her how Alexa said to "paint rocks" and while I had plenty of rocks I didn't have any outdoor paint.  Would she mind if I borrowed her brush to paint a rock?  She didn't mind at all.  She took me around back and there in her painting area were a bunch of rocks that were pink and purple from overspray when she was doing her projects.  Perfect! I grabbed a purple one. She looked surprised. "Don't you want to paint something on it?" Ummm, sure.  She took the rock and then stenciled a flower on it.  She asked if I wanted her to paint a stem on it.  I asked if she had gold paint.  She hunted up and down and couldn't find gold.  

She painted the stem turquoise.  She was just about finished and bent down to get something out of her paintbox and right there on top was a gold paint pen that had never been opened (WTH?!!)  We quickly opened it and added Lisa's name and a gold ribbon.  ONE HOUR later I was on my way with the metal flower and painted rock.  I marveled at how a 5 minute stop turned into multiple connections with my daughter at my side calling the shots.

I stopped at three more garden centers and can only blame Lisa for the flats of flowers that were purchased;)  Mike and I finished the day at Zukey Lake Tavern eating a Lisa-approved meal that started with pretzels and dipping cheese, lakeside lemonade, and some steak.

This was a much better day than the one 9 years ago.  There is still hurt and emptiness but I'm greatful when I have opportunities like today to really feel Lisa with me.   I wish she was still here in her human form, living, loving and celebrating with us.  I miss her dearly.  Love You Lisa.

Happy 17th Birthday

Happy 17th Birthday to Lisa. I struggled a bit to "hear" her inspiration for how to spend the day. At 17, I'm not so sure spending the day with her mom would still be a thing! Finally decided on a little adventure to a Sunflower Farm. Found one close to home and was joined by Lisa's Aunt Malinda Bissell Yesh and cousin Megan Yesh Bruen youngest daughter Cecilia. This little girl was channeling Lisa's spirit:) We looked at lots of flowers and took plenty of pictures but....she was only smiling in the ones that she told us to take! That is so Lisa! If it wasn't her idea, well, then....it wasn't going to be pretty! Thank You Cecilia and Malinda for celebrating with me.

Mike McMaster and I celebrated with a birthday dinner of Lisa's favorites including a "lemonade" drink, chicken fingers, and steak at Hamburg Pub. We took Lisa and the kids her a few times when she was very young. We followed dinner with a trip to a new ice creamery NautiMi on the River. Lisa was with us in spirit. My attention was drawn to a rack of bracelets and the one I picked up had "Not the worst mother" imprinted on it. Nearby was a piece of art that stated "Say Yes to New Adventures". That's our girl!

How I wish she was still with us to say these things in person. Miss you so much my litte warrior. Love you Lisa.