Today Lisa would have been 19 years old. So many thoughts in my
head. I think of the day we received the call that she was born.
The ensuing calls regarding placement in our home with her siblings, Tommy and
Chrissy. I grin thinking about how the laughs and energy of a 5,6, and 7 year
old along with a chunky baby made our house alive (Umm, and yes, Lisa was
chunky! So much that we put her in a stockpot once and snapped a picture
of our very own butterball turkey). I think of how blessed we were to
enjoy these children and watch them grow and, after three years, become a
forever family.
I think about our first "McMaster Kids" family trip to
Disney to celebrate the adoption and not allowing myself to worry about some
preliminary tests done on Lisa for what I thought was going to be childhood
arthritis or a problem with her leg muscle. I remember being back at work and
getting the call from Ortho doc that she needed to be admitted to the ER
immediately because docs were certain she had cancer; either leukemia or
neuroblastoma. I remember frantically trying to get in contact with Mike
who was with Lisa at the lakehouse as I quickly googled both words because
neither sounded good. I prayed it was leukemia because that was more
curable.
As I write this, I make a conscious effort to block the thoughts
about the tests, trials, and treatments as they sadden me. I force myself
to remember the good and the happy. Like, how ecstatic I was that Lisa
was able to start kindergarten with all the other kids. And then she was
able to start a second year of kindergarten, then first grade, and part of
second grade. Not nearly enough for all who knew her but it's what we
got. I think about her voice, her giggle, her one-liners that could put
you in your place, her ability to get grown men and doctors to do anything she
asked. I think of her sticking her stuffed animals in the toilet for Mike to
find in the early morning. I think of the baby dolls….all the babies! I think of all the photos and videos we found
that she was making when no one was watching.
I smile at the memory of her putting on make-up before school for a “boyfriend”.
I cringe at hearing her say “Hate Michigan, Love State”.
I think of her sitting outside on a day very much like today just
enjoying the sun on her face. As I type butterflies and hummingbirds fly
by and I know she is here in spirit. As I try to stay focused on the
beauty and good memories, the tears start. I miss her and am sad that I
will never really know 19-year-old Lisa. I'm conflicted because I know that
being sad is not what Lisa would want. She would want us giggling and
smiling. I'm also emotional because we had a man drown in the lake two
days ago. I can imagine the pain the family is in and still hear their cries
for help. As I gaze at the lake and feel the breeze, I wipe the tears
from my eyes and reflect. Losing a loved one is awful, no matter the age
or the circumstance. And, NOTHING we can do will bring them back. But,
our thoughts and actions can help to make sure they did not die in vain.
I can't and won't deny my feelings of sadness, tears, or anger because they are
justified and help me work through the "what could have/should have
been." When the tears have dried, I refocus and search my memories for the
good and happy times and look for ways to live life. Lisa dying "too"
young and watching a man disappear in the blink of an eye under the water
reinforce what so many of us know..don't take anything for granted. Today
is a good day. At the moment, I'm alive, healthy, and able-bodied. I will
embrace that, count my blessings, and celebrate life.
While Lisa is no longer with us in bodily form 😢, she is here in spirit and
very much in my mind. As a 19-year-old, I imagine her birthday wish would
be to "hang" with her friend. So, that's what I will do!
Jalissa and family--I'm looking forward to our celebration tonight. Thank you
for agreeing to be part of it!
Love You Lisa!
