Not ready...

I'm not ready....I'm never ready for school to start.  I love summer and the schedule-free days and having my kids around.  I dread the homework, cooler weather and shorter days.  I'm not ready.

Tomorrow my teens will wake up and get themselves ready for the bus and holler goodbye.  I will stand there with tears in my eyes as they move on in their life and I know I must let them--- they are just growing up.  I will cringe at the letting go as all parents must do.

I will sigh and try not to have an anxiety attack as once again the hole of sorrow left by Lisa attempts to swallow me.  As the clock ticks, I will try to count all the blessings Lisa had and not regret that she does not get to start third grade as she/we had all hoped.  I will try not to cry too hard that for the first time in 12 years I do not have a child to put on the grade school bus and then race on my bike to beat them to the school so I can greet them when they get off with smiles and a camera.

I will try to balance my thoughts and feelings so I can figure out a way to LIVE life fully.  Lisa having cancer was hard, living without Lisa is harder.  I will do my best to live and remind myself that there are many times in life we are not ready for what we are dealt but we must still move ahead because life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain.