Just a quick update

I apologize to those of you checking the blog on a regular basis for the absences of posts these past few days. As some of you can probably guess, I'm emotionally and physically drained and sometimes the thoughts in my head are not appropriate for a blog.

Lisa finished her first round of outpatient chemo last Friday. I was pretty grumpy by the end of it, but she was doing pretty well. She basically spends the day hooked up to different drugs and has the option to watch any movie she wants from her "princess" chair, do a craft, play a game or drag her pole and parent all over the place.

While for the most part she is in a good mood, I find I am not. I think part of it is psychological as I realize the gravity of the situation and I sit and wait for side effects and what's next. I'm also thrown by the realization that we are just beginning this long journey, yet I am already exhausted. I fear that I might not be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps, suck it up, and keep staying in the moment. I fear what might or might not happen at the end of this journey. I am stuck and feeling helpless...it is out of my hands to make this go away. Each day I wake and hope it has just been one very bad dream. I'm tired.

I seek clarity each day as I realize this is truly an area I've always struggled in....living for today. While I say the words often, sometimes I don't grasp them. I find that I tend to live in the "when I get through this" mode. When I get through this semester, when I get through this project, when I get through this adoption, when I get through this winter, when I get through this cancer. The truth is by waiting to "get through" I'm missing out every day on life. I have 4 wonderful children and a great husband and while I try and get through, I missing out on a lot of opportunities....as I've said before, we never know when God will call any of us back so we should live each day as it is our last. I know this, I believe this, I just seem to be too tired to remember it. Okay...enough blathering...now you see why I haven't posted all weekend!

So....Lisa had an okay weekend. Friday, she was full of energy. Saturday and Sunday she wasn't as peppy. She is still getting about pretty well and we've brought out the training potty again so she can maintain some of her independence. Unfortunately, she is still fighting some kind of urinary tract infection which causes her to have a lot of accidents and pain. Pain that makes makes her uncomfortable and crabby all day and wakes her at night.

She gets daily meds for pain, nausea and infection as well as a shot to boost her white blood count (Mike gets the honors of doing this). We also need to flush her lines every day and change her bandage every 3 days...which she hates because...well...you know what it's like to have a bandage ripped off your body! Lucky her gets a new one put right back on after the area is cleansed, just to be ripped off again 3 days later. We also have to take her every 2 days to get her blood tested to see where her counts are.

Today was the first day she threw up....not even sure why. She said her stomach hurt when she woke up, I gave her the anti-nausea med and shortly after she gave it back. Right after that she ate 2 bowls of cereal...you go girl. The rest of the day we spent running all over town for appts and doing a little shopping. The big moment of the day was hair cuts. Everyone got one and while Lisa initially pitched a fit (I think she's just tired of people touching her) once her siblings were done with their cuts and came over to talk with her, she cheered right up. I'm sure she thought we were crazy as we kept swooping up her curls that were dropping so we could save them! Whatever for, I'm not sure, but we have a handful of them!

So...her she is with her new hairdo and and looking like she is 2 again...move over Shirley Temple!