Happy 18th Birthday!

 

Happy 18th Birthday Lisa!  Your life here with us was much too short.  I miss you dearly and wonder what you would have been like today. How would you have wanted to celebrate your birthday? You would have been starting your senior year in highschool so there is a good chance you would have been "hanging" with her friends for most of the day.   You used to love to just "go" places and explore. So, to celebrate you, I went with Aunt Sam to Matthaei Botanical Gardens.  It was beautiful with lots of flower and butterflies. For dinner, Dad and I went out to eat in your honor and enjoyed a steak dinner with a hot fudge cream puff for dessert.  Love You Lisa!

9 Years Ago

Nine years ago Lisa earned her wings.  Since that day, my work calendar is perpetually blocked  on 5/19 with an item that says "Linda Off/ALWAYS (Lisa Dday).  It's more a reminder for me than for anyone else.  It's a reminder to remember Lisa and what she and cancer taught us.  Things like: life is too short to waste, live in the moment, the work will always be there, enjoy the ride, balance the good with the bad, the busy with the idle. 

Yet, even with those lessons, as each year passes I wonder, is it silly to take this day off?  Am I going to do this forever?  Should I still do this?  And then I see posts and receive messages that people are thinking of her and that reinforces my commitment to honoring her on this day. Because life should be about celebrating and living and enjoying.

So, today,  like the past few years, I did not plan anything specific to do. I let the day unfold and focused on slowing down, listening, and being open to "going" where Lisa leads me.  By noon I was getting a little panicky because I hadn't gotten much further than the kitchen table.  As I was looking at one of Lisa's pictures I decided I might need to get some help on the "going" and asked Alexa what was something fun to do today.  The answer "Paint rocks or cook your favorite meal".  Okkkkkkk.  That answer actually sounded like something Lisa would say.  I opted to put that on the back burner and go for a drive and check out a few garden centers.  I like gardening and needed some plants, Lisa liked to just "go" so seemed like a good compromise for the day.  The first garden center I stopped at was small and just off the side of the road.  The owner came from around the back to greet me and show me the plants.  Some cute potted arrangements and cool painted signs but I was really looking for some starter perennials and there were very few of those.  I figured I'd look take a quick look and be on the go in less than 10 minutes.  I was done in less than 5 minutes. I decided to go around again and made a conscious effort to slow down and look and enjoy.

 This time the metal flower hanging on the wall caught my eye.  Lisa would love that.  I then noticed the Lake Living signs, hand-painted fence, baskets getting a second life with stencil-work. The more I looked the more things I noticed that I'd missed the first time thru....there was some really cute stuff.  I decided to get the metal flower.  As the owner approached me the second time, I noticed she had a small paint brush in her hand.  We started chatting about the business and the yard art. As we continued talking I shared that I was just meandering around in honor of my daughter and then....it hit me....she had a paint brush in her hand!  I told her how Alexa said to "paint rocks" and while I had plenty of rocks I didn't have any outdoor paint.  Would she mind if I borrowed her brush to paint a rock?  She didn't mind at all.  She took me around back and there in her painting area were a bunch of rocks that were pink and purple from overspray when she was doing her projects.  Perfect! I grabbed a purple one. She looked surprised. "Don't you want to paint something on it?" Ummm, sure.  She took the rock and then stenciled a flower on it.  She asked if I wanted her to paint a stem on it.  I asked if she had gold paint.  She hunted up and down and couldn't find gold.  

She painted the stem turquoise.  She was just about finished and bent down to get something out of her paintbox and right there on top was a gold paint pen that had never been opened (WTH?!!)  We quickly opened it and added Lisa's name and a gold ribbon.  ONE HOUR later I was on my way with the metal flower and painted rock.  I marveled at how a 5 minute stop turned into multiple connections with my daughter at my side calling the shots.

I stopped at three more garden centers and can only blame Lisa for the flats of flowers that were purchased;)  Mike and I finished the day at Zukey Lake Tavern eating a Lisa-approved meal that started with pretzels and dipping cheese, lakeside lemonade, and some steak.

This was a much better day than the one 9 years ago.  There is still hurt and emptiness but I'm greatful when I have opportunities like today to really feel Lisa with me.   I wish she was still here in her human form, living, loving and celebrating with us.  I miss her dearly.  Love You Lisa.

Happy 17th Birthday

Happy 17th Birthday to Lisa. I struggled a bit to "hear" her inspiration for how to spend the day. At 17, I'm not so sure spending the day with her mom would still be a thing! Finally decided on a little adventure to a Sunflower Farm. Found one close to home and was joined by Lisa's Aunt Malinda Bissell Yesh and cousin Megan Yesh Bruen youngest daughter Cecilia. This little girl was channeling Lisa's spirit:) We looked at lots of flowers and took plenty of pictures but....she was only smiling in the ones that she told us to take! That is so Lisa! If it wasn't her idea, well, then....it wasn't going to be pretty! Thank You Cecilia and Malinda for celebrating with me.

Mike McMaster and I celebrated with a birthday dinner of Lisa's favorites including a "lemonade" drink, chicken fingers, and steak at Hamburg Pub. We took Lisa and the kids her a few times when she was very young. We followed dinner with a trip to a new ice creamery NautiMi on the River. Lisa was with us in spirit. My attention was drawn to a rack of bracelets and the one I picked up had "Not the worst mother" imprinted on it. Nearby was a piece of art that stated "Say Yes to New Adventures". That's our girl!

How I wish she was still with us to say these things in person. Miss you so much my litte warrior. Love you Lisa.

05/19/21 Eight years

Eight years since Lisa left us.  She has now been gone from this earth for as many years as she was on it.  She will always be in my heart and while I think of her often she is definitely on my mind frequently around this time of year.  

The last night with her is etched in my memory.  I remember laying in bed with the windows open because it was a warm day in May.  I could not sleep as every movement and breath she took had me on high alert.  I listened to the chorus of frogs as the night slowly passed.   I knew that morning was near because the frogs stopped and one solo bird was chirping loudly as the new day was beginning.  I thought it odd that I was noticing these sounds and felt like I was hyperattentive to storing all of it in my mind. Somehow, I knew that these would end up being the last moments I had with Lisa.  

This time of year with the nightly nature chorus and warm weather has always brought me contentment. However,  I recognize now that my contentment is coupled with melancholy.  I am caught off guard by feelings of sadness, restlessness, and a sense of purposelessness,   In the first few weeks of nature's shift I find myself wondering why are my favorite evenings followed by days of despondency?  What's wrong with me?  What is missing?  Why don't I care about xxx?   And, then the answer blindsides me and becomes crystal clear.  I'm sad because these sounds that I love and signal my favorite time of year are also imprinted and ingrained in my soul as my last night with Lisa.  I'm sad because I lost my baby, because I miss her, I wonder what could have been, I wonder.....

Understanding what is causing the sadness doesn't make it go away but it allows me to have grace and acceptance of myself.  I give in to the feeling and live a few days, sometimes weeks, loving the night sounds one moment and in another tearing up because they take me back to those last moments.  I give myself permission to do nothing or something whatever feels right in the moment.  And, that--"in the moment"--reminds me that is what cancer and Lisa taught me.  Our lives and energy are not infinite but they are fluid and unpredictable.  We can have crappy days and good days.  Some days we will worry away, others we will count our blessings.  We can have days of pain and others that are pain-free.  Life is meant to be lived...in...the....moment.  Live them all, feel them all, they are what makes us who we are.

Today we celebrated Lisa and were joined by Chrissy.  We went out to dinner and ordered steak because that's what Lisa would have done!  We reminisced and shared a very thoughtful and emotional conversation about life and love and self.  While Lisa can't be with us, we know that we are who we are because of our life lessons that she played a big part in.

Love you Lisa,  Miss you Lisa.💖

Happy Sweet 16

Today Lisa would have turned sweet 16.   I try to imagine what she would have been like.  I think she still would have been a force to be reckoned with and if she decided she wanted something she would have figured out how to make it happen.  I have to believe she may have finally left the baby dolls at home but can’t help wondering if she would have become the go-to babysitter in the area.

Mike and I celebrated her birthday by taking a little trip to Ludington this weekend to visit some friends with a spontaneous detour on the way home to stay with my brother and sister-in-law at their cottage in Grey Lake.  Something Lisa would have totally approved of with her love to “just go”.  No doubt that being 16 she would have been driving.   This crazy covid year of 2020 has provided me constant reminders of what Lisa taught me.   Believe in something bigger than myself and my ability to persevere no matter how crazy things seem, Live life fully and if I can’t change the situation then work on changing my attitude, Aspire to do my best and appreciate what I have this minute because it could change in the next, Stay the course and sooner or later I’ll figure out how best to maneuver it, Tencacity is sometimes going to be the only way to keep going. 

As I think of Lisa today and miss her dearly I can’t help but think of all the others who have passed since she left us.  All of them leaving little holes in my heart and holes in the lives of their loved ones.    Many of them gone much sooner than what anyone deemed fair and leaving those of us behind spinning with questions and seeking understanding.  Every instance making me stop and think and wonder why them, why now, how does that happen, how do those of us left behind move forward?  We never seem to get the answers, and even when we do it doesn’t bring them back.  Somehow, we figure out how to move forward, often with sadness in our hearts and tears in our eyes, we get thru the next moment, the next hour, the next day.  It does become easier, sometimes.  We remind ourselves that our loved ones would want us to be happy and enjoying life.  We find others with whom we shared our loved ones and together we knit new days and new memories always keeping those who have left us tucked in the corner of our minds and our hearts.  We know and feel, some days more than others, that they are with us in spirit.

I would be remiss if I didn’t share that today, on Lisa’s 16^th birthday, my heart is still torn at the loss of a very good friend Aaron Stotts.  He passed away on August 20^th while on vacation with his family.  It was sudden and unexpected.  Aaron was one of Lisa’s biggest fans and the feeling was mutual as Lisa claimed Aaron as one of her many boyfriends.   Aaron, like Lisa, had a magnetic personality and was loved by many.  He was a key contributor in planning and making the BLAST fundraisers we did years ago a success.  Most people couldn’t say no to Aaron when he was seeking a donation, add Lisa to the mix, and wellllllll….those two were magic.    Aaron is missed by many and his loved ones are in my thoughts as we all push forward without him. 

I find a teeny tiny bit of solace in hoping that while both Lisa and Aaron were taken from us far too soon I have to believe those two are catching up in the afterlife and Aaron is making sure Lisa is having the sweet 16 celebration she deserves.

Miss you Lisa. Love you Lisa.  Happy Birthday!

 

   

Seven Years

It has been seven years since Lisa earned her wings.  I made a promise to myself that every year, no matter what was going on, this day would not be the normal routine.  It would be a day I to just "be and live in the moment".  Each year since she left us, I've been able to stay away from work, home responsibilities, adulthood and just do whatever speaks to me.  Sometimes that means a vacation, sometimes it means getting a tattoo, sometimes it's just having good food with good friends.

Today was spent honoring Lisa by living like she did.  I took a long nap, a car ride to "just go", talked with her sisters, ate chips and cheese for dinner and watched  Finding Nemo.  In a time when the whole world is fighting a pandemic and many are living in lock-downs the lessons Lisa taught us are crucial.  It's important to realize that each day is a gift and count our blessings.  I woke up this morning in a warm, dry bed.  I am healthy.  I have a wonderful husband, children, family and lots of friends who love me.  I have a job that I enjoy and has not been disrupted by the pandemic. I am blessed with another day.  That is not something to take for granted.  I wish I could say that I live in the moment and my count my blessings each day but, the truth is, it's not always easy especially when work, life and responsibilities abound.  But, just as I did seven years ago, I vow to make sure that on May 19  each year I will stop and live like Lisa. I will remember what a fighter she was and how even in the toughest of times she was able to bring hope and light to each day.

Living like Lisa! Chips and Cheese for dinner while watching Finding Nemo

This photo is from 10 years ago!! It was originally captioned "In the photo with Lisa and Tom, is one of the many local hero's at the hospital, nurse "Squirt"". Thank you to all the Hero's (then and now) that take care of us.

Happy 15th Birthday

Today, Lisa would have turned 15 years old.  I miss her smiles, I miss her voice, I miss her giggles, I miss her babies.  I miss her.  I wonder what she would have been like at 15, surely she would have given up her babies.  She would be in high school.  Would she have played a team sport, been a cheerleader, in karate, take to the field with the band, steal the show on the stage?  We will never know.  I think about how much pain she must have been in at times yet still managed to smile and make us laugh on most days.  I remind myself often that any aches and pains I have or bad days are nothing compared to what she went through.  I wish so much to be able to see her, hear her, touch her hug her. I can't. She's gone. Forever.  Far too soon. She only celebrated 8 birthdays.  Others have joined her and it doesn't lessen the pain.  But, it does remind me of the importance of living in the moment and appreciating what I have before it is gone.  A video of Lisa to help fill the hole in my heart.  Hotdogs and corn on the cob on for dinner to celebrate like she would.