Eight years since Lisa left us. She has now been gone from this earth for as many years as she was on it. She will always be in my heart and while I think of her often she is definitely on my mind frequently around this time of year.
The last night with her is etched in my memory. I remember laying in bed with the windows open because it was a warm day in May. I could not sleep as every movement and breath she took had me on high alert. I listened to the chorus of frogs as the night slowly passed. I knew that morning was near because the frogs stopped and one solo bird was chirping loudly as the new day was beginning. I thought it odd that I was noticing these sounds and felt like I was hyperattentive to storing all of it in my mind. Somehow, I knew that these would end up being the last moments I had with Lisa.
This time of year with the nightly nature chorus and warm weather has always brought me contentment. However, I recognize now that my contentment is coupled with melancholy. I am caught off guard by feelings of sadness, restlessness, and a sense of purposelessness, In the first few weeks of nature's shift I find myself wondering why are my favorite evenings followed by days of despondency? What's wrong with me? What is missing? Why don't I care about xxx? And, then the answer blindsides me and becomes crystal clear. I'm sad because these sounds that I love and signal my favorite time of year are also imprinted and ingrained in my soul as my last night with Lisa. I'm sad because I lost my baby, because I miss her, I wonder what could have been, I wonder.....
Understanding what is causing the sadness doesn't make it go away but it allows me to have grace and acceptance of myself. I give in to the feeling and live a few days, sometimes weeks, loving the night sounds one moment and in another tearing up because they take me back to those last moments. I give myself permission to do nothing or something whatever feels right in the moment. And, that--"in the moment"--reminds me that is what cancer and Lisa taught me. Our lives and energy are not infinite but they are fluid and unpredictable. We can have crappy days and good days. Some days we will worry away, others we will count our blessings. We can have days of pain and others that are pain-free. Life is meant to be lived...in...the....moment. Live them all, feel them all, they are what makes us who we are.
Today we celebrated Lisa and were joined by Chrissy. We went out to dinner and ordered steak because that's what Lisa would have done! We reminisced and shared a very thoughtful and emotional conversation about life and love and self. While Lisa can't be with us, we know that we are who we are because of our life lessons that she played a big part in.
Love you Lisa, Miss you Lisa.💖
